When people are missing their boyfriends, I am missing my Dad

I miss you dad, too much. I smile and laugh and crack jokes everyday but the truth is that's just so I don't cry in public. If people know what's going on inside, they wouldn't wanna be around me because I am just a sad sad clown.

I dream of you yesterday and I day dream of you almost everyday. Sometimes I forgot that you're gone. Sometimes I block out the memories about how you left me without saying goodbye or showing me any signs. 

Dad I miss you.

I remember how when I was in primary school and mum just passed away, you used to make two half-boiled eggs for me for breakfast and sometimes I couldn't finish them. Tonight, I made my own half-boiled just for the taste of memories, sweet memories taste really good you know. 

When I first learn how to fry french fries and I keep making them every night and giving it to you even if I know you don't eat them that much just so you're proud of me

I remember when I was in secondary school and you still make maggi as my midnight snack although I am already old enough to make it myself. Now I wish you're still here so I can ask you "Pa, mau Elle masak maggi?"

How when I first moved to KL, mom (stepmom) told me that you couldn't sleep at night, kept checking my room and don't have the appetite to eat because you miss me. How you would give me money even though you're low on cash. How you'd try to give me everything I want.

Now I wish that I could've given you everything you want, buy you stuff and took care of your every need.

I remember last year when I got the dean's list again and I sent mom a picture of the certificate and you said to mom that it wasn't a waste to send me here and that you were proud. I cried that night, never in my wildest dream would I think I would ever hear that from you.

I miss you so much that words can't begin to express it. Every night I cry myself to sleep and wake up with a bright smile to face the world. But all my heart is wishing for is that this was all a bad dream of mine. I wish we can be a happy family like we used to be. I wish you'd never left. I wish I could've said goodbye.

Don't worry, I'll be fine. Tomorrow I'll wake up with a smile, with my pretentious face that I have been putting on for quite some time, I just need to get through nights like this. Nights when all I want is to call you up and ask you how are you but the number I'm dialing won't lead me to you.

Al-Fatihah hero of mine